


Sakusa Kiyoomi, the idiot

by Niamidan



Series: Leave no regrets [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Atsumu suffers, I want some suna x atsumu to happen, M/M, There's a bit of ushijima/sakusa, Timeskips, best brother Osamu, best childhood friend suna rintaro, bestfriend au, just for a while, mention of bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:54:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26978410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niamidan/pseuds/Niamidan
Summary: He's 21 and devoted to living a life with no regrets but there's one thing Kiyoomi will forever come to regret.He'll see it every time he looks at Atsumu, every time he's nearby and every time that Kiyoomi is with someone he'll always regret this one thing. He'll hold someone and kiss them deeply but whenever he does he'll come to think of Atsumu's lips. He'll spend time with them and see them smile but he'll always wonder how it would be if it was Atsumu standing there.He's going to spend the rest of his life wishing he could've given a chance to Atsumu. He'll regret never knowing Atsumu.Or alternatively, Atsumu and Kiyoomi have been friends since their first year of high school but Atsumu develops feelings for Kiyoomi. Kiyoomi in response tries everything in his power to interrupt every time Atsumu tries to confess. He doesn't like him but he still wants them to be friends and thus the emotional rollercoaster.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Series: Leave no regrets [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2016707
Comments: 25
Kudos: 322





	Sakusa Kiyoomi, the idiot

The first time it happens the two of them are in his room doing homework. Atsumu is working on his desk while Kiyoomi is laying on his bed and his books are splayed in front of him. He's waving his pencil side to side and following it with his eyes. It's a distraction because he's hit with a particularly difficult math equation and he's too tired to try to solve it. 

Winter just passed and their graduation is close, they don't go to the same school but they still somehow manage to find time together. It's usually Atsumu who comes to his place. They tend to play games, train in volleyball, or work on homework like today. Even if they don't talk it isn't uncomfortable and Kiyoomi appreciates his presence. 

It's their so-called friendship, and the fact that they've been hanging out like this since their first year of high school, that has Kiyoomi lost in thoughts. Being the same age they get along well and he even lets Atsumu call him that obnoxious nickname.

"Omi-Kun" Atsumu says,

Kiyoomi moves his eyes away from the pencil to Atsumu who's turned towards him from the desk.

Atsumu is wearing a light blue shirt and a pair of jeans, his naturally straight hair falls on his eyes. It makes Kiyoomi want to brush them away. They're always in the way of his vision. They're an eyesore in Kiyoomi's opinion, pun intended. 

"You should get a haircut, those bangs are terrible." He says with as little emotion as possible. He ignores the fact that Atsumu was about to say something before he interrupted and instead watches as Atsumu goes red from embarrassment. The usual Atsumu would make a snarky remark back and wouldn't try to curl his fingers self-consciously in his bangs. 

Kiyoomi supposes that the Atsumu today should be a little self-conscious for what he wants to say. He knows what the fake blond wants to say, it's been written on his face for a while now. He's not exactly sure when Atsumu started seeing him differently but at some point, Kiyoomi noticed the new expression. He is not an idiot, after all. 

"Uh, right, maybe I should? I was thinkin' of getting one soon anyways." Atsumu lies, it's obvious from the way he avoids looking at Kiyoomi, a habit he does whenever he lies. He stares at Atsumu who has his elbow on the desk and his body turned away from Kiyoomi. His fingers are now unconsciously brushing his bangs away and his ears are still a little red. Perhaps it's because Kiyoomi has been staring at him for a while now. 

Kiyoomi puts his pencil down on his book with a sigh and rolls his eyes. He sits up straight and decides to eventually lean back on his pillows with his hands behind his head. "Yeah, I think you should. But anyway I've been hanging out with Wakatoshi-Kun from Shiratorizawa recently" He says to Atsumu. For a moment a cloud moves in front of the sun and the room darkens just a bit. 

He sees the exact instance when Atsumu's eyes widen and then drop, making his eyelids suddenly look heavy when he blinks. The blond turns to him hesitatingly and his voice is terrifyingly soft when he says "Wakatoshi-Kun?" 

Kiyoomi shrugs "You know, that guy we met at one of those volleyball practices, he's a nice guy, I think I might like him actually." He says and pretends he doesn't understand what Atsumu meant. He still calls Atsumu by his family name rather than his first despite the two of them being friends for so long. Meanwhile, he and Ushijima have only been friends for a few months at most, not to mention that Ushijima is older than them. 

Atsumu turns away from him completely so Kiyoomi can't see him from this angle, he guesses he can imagine the expression the other makes. Disappointment, hurt, and heartbreak he assumes. "Right, him. I thin' he was a little stoic but I mean if that's yer type then I won't judge." Atsumu says and surprisingly his voice sounds the same as usual. Kiyoomi would have a hard time guessing anything was wrong if he didn't know Atsumu better. 

"Oh really? I thought he was pretty handsome, kinda neat in a way. I think I'll ask him out the next time I see him." Kiyoomi says and at this point, he's doing it on purpose. The cloud that was previously lingering in front of the sun disappears and Kiyoomi smiles to himself when Atsumu turns around. 

Whatever expression Kiyoomi had hoped to see there were no traces of it on Atsumu's face. Instead, the comically charming grin had made an appearance and Kiyoomi knows that Atsumu is about to tease him. "Oho, _the_ Sakusa Kiyoomi calling someone else handsome? I must be hearing things" He says and Kiyoomi ignores the little crookedness to the grin Atsumu wears. 

He throws a pillow at the other and he chooses not to be relieved when Atsumu stops grinning. "Shut up, I'm a guy and I have preferences, albeit very high preferences." He says and Atsumu throws him a "That's an understatement" to which Kiyoomi throws another pillow. 

Atsumu laughs at him and when Kiyoomi determines that it's a sufficient enough laugh he finally relaxes. He managed to get through the hurdle safely today, he'll think about what to do next time for tomorrow. The problem and the burden he's avoiding to his outmost is Miya Atsumu confessing to him. 

Miya Atsumu likes him and has liked him for a while now. Sakusa is aware of the fact that Atsumu wants to confess because he's observant and it's obvious. However, Kiyoomi doesn't like him back and in order to keep their friendship, he's determined not to let Atsumu confess. 

Atsumu is selfish, he doesn't care about the damage his feelings will have on their friendship. He doesn't think about how much Kiyoomi values their time together which will be all thrown away once Atsumu says those stupid words. And for what? Just to get them out despite knowing he'll be rejected? Ruining their good friendship because he couldn't keep his feelings bottled up. 

Kiyoomi hates that Atsumu likes him and he hates that Atsumu isn't better at hiding his feelings from him. He hates that he knows and that he has to notice every expression of longing Atsumu makes whenever he looks at him. He hates that he has to be conscious of Atsumu whenever he dates someone. The look Atsumu directs towards him is a burden and Kiyoomi doesn't want anything to do with it. 

Sakusa Kiyoomi is not an idiot, he knows Miya Atsumu likes him and he knows exactly how he hurts the other.   
  


\---------  
  


The next time Atsumu tries to confess it's their graduation day, Kiyoomi had just received his graduation certificate and the third years were finally able to leave. He walks to the gate along with Motoya who's smiling his brightest and chattering about his excitement for university. Kiyoomi, in a moment of rare sentiment, is smiling and indulging his cousin in their plans for the future. 

The cherry blossom trees have an early bloom this year and the pink flowers are creating an almost magical image around the school. He follows one fallen leaf with his eyes and just like a scene from a movie Atsumu stands outside the school gates where the leaf lands. He's holding his own graduation certificate, still wearing his own school uniform. 

Distantly, Kiyoomi thinks this will be the last time he sees Atsumu wearing his uniform. The last time he will see Atsumu with his loose tie and unironed white shirt over gray pants. It's the last time he gets to scold Atsumu for not wearing his uniform properly and that thought makes him smile a little. 

High school really is over. 

Atsumu greets him like an over-excited child waving his hand widely as if Kiyoomi couldn't spot his tall frame and blond hair. He stood out, Atsumu has always been unique. It's a trait that Sakusa thinks is his charming point but also his flaw. 

"What are you doing here?" He says when they finally make it to the gate. Atsumu should still be at his own school celebrating with his brother and not here at Kiyoomi's school. 

Atsumu just smiles sheepishly he rubs the back of his neck and looks away from him. "I ran out after getting my certification, I wanted to see ya, ya see I have something to say-" Atsumu is looking at him with that glimmer of hope, and his cheeks are just a little pink.

Kiyoomi looks around himself and notes how this would be the perfect time for Atsumu to confess. It's their graduation and the cherry blossom trees are romantic in the glow of the afternoon sun. It's a little a cliche and he didn't expect Atsumu to be this type of person but either way, he wishes it'll be Atsumu's last try.

He feels guilty when he interrupts Atsumu and that little glimmer of hope seems to flicker in the other's eyes. "I'm happy you're here Atsumu, we should celebrate our graduation together," He says but Atsumu seems to be determined because he attempts to talk again.

"Wait, Omi-Kun this is important-" Atsumu tires but Kiyoomi just interrupts him again with a hand raised to stop him. "I'm sure whatever it is it can wait, me and Motoya are gonna go out to eat, would you like to join? Wakatoshi-Kun is joining too, if you'd like you can ask your brother to come too. We're graduating after all." He says pointing to his cousin just a few steps behind him. 

Atsumu only then seems to notice Komori's presence beside him and the previous lingering hope in his eyes completely dies out. Kiyoomi watches Atsumu carefully as the other just silently looks at his feet then back up with reluctant resignment. "Yeah, yer right. I'm going to call 'Samu and hear if he wants 'ta join" Atsumu takes out his phone from his pocket already dialing his brother. 

He doesn't wait for Kiyoomi to respond and instead just walks away to talk to his brother privately. Kiyoomi can't hear him from this distance but watching Atsumu's back he thinks he can somehow make out the less enthusiastic voice he's using. The heartbroken one, that voice he uses when he feels like giving up. 

He mentally shakes away his thoughts, he couldn't assume that just because Atsumu's shoulders were a little more slumped than usual and his breath had hitched a bit when he said ' _Hello_ ' to his brother before walking out of earshot. No, Atsumu was probably bickering with his brother right now like he usually does and Kiyoomi decides that's the reality. 

Whatever expression Motoya has from beside him is completely ignored and he pretends he can't hear Komori call him 'Asshole'. Instead, he focuses on the cherry blossom trees and thinks about Ushijima coming to pick them up soon. He wonders how he'll deliver the news to Atsumu when Ushijima does come. 

Not a second later Atsumu hangs up his phone and makes his way towards them, he looks a little defeated Sakusa thinks. When he finally makes it to them Atsumu tries to talk but before he gets the chance someone calls after Kiyoomi. He turns around to meet Ushijima Wakatoshi who's holding a rose out for him. "Congratulations Kiyoomi," Ushijima says while wearing a rare smile.

Kiyoomi takes the flower and his cheeks feel a little warm when his fingers brush against Ushijimas. In this moment Kiyoomi imagines that it's just the two of them surrounded by pink cherry blossoms. He looks at the person he now calls his boyfriend and smiles back "Thank you, Wakatoshi-Kun" he says and gives the other a light peck. 

He doesn't register just what he has done until Motoya calls out to him and he realizes finally that Atsumu is still _here_. "Well, you two lovebirds I'm hungry and I want to celebrate. So if you could get out of your heads we could be on our way." Motoya says to ease some kind of tension growing. Finally, his cousin looks directly at Atsumu "Will you be coming?" He asks. 

Atsumu directs his gaze away from Ushijima and looks at Motoya with an unreadable face. It doesn't last as Atsumu smiles apologetically "Nah, I'm sorry, my brother just told me I should come home. We're supposed to be celebrating with my family and ma's made our favorites so I really need to be going" Atsumu sighs like he's bothered by the knowledge that he can't stay with them. 

"I understand, in that case maybe we can go out together another time and you can tell me what it was that you wanted to say," Kiyoomi tells Atsumu with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. For a second Atsumu's expression goes back to the same unreadable one when he was looking at Ushijima but quickly turns back to a smile. "Yeah, that sounds great." 

Atsumu looks at Ushijima for a second before raising his hand in a handshake, Ushijima accepts it goodnaturedly. "I'm Miya Atsumu by the way, I have to leave soon but ya must be Ushijima Wakatoshi-San," He says and Kiyoomi wants to scoff, of course, Atsumu's pretending not to know Ushijima. 

His boyfriend nods "Yes that would be me, I've heard lots about you from Kiyoomi. It's a pleasure to finally meet you." He says and whatever good intention Ushijima has Kiyoomi thinks it was absolutely unneeded information to give. After all, Kiyoomi hasn't spoken much about Ushijima to Atsumu much less told him that they're already together. 

If Kiyoomi suspected that Atsumu would be angry then the other didn't show anything. In fact, Atsumu seemed so composed and calm that for a second Kiyoomi thought he might be imagining the feelings Atsumu has for him. "Likewise, I've heard lots of good things about ya from Omi-Kun as well. As much as I'd like to stay and chat I'm assuming that Motoya-Kun over there is very hungry and I'd like to meet up with my family soon too." 

"Are you leaving already?" Kiyoomi asks just to comply with his obligations as a friend. In reality, he couldn't wait for Atsumu to leave, it was painfully awkward and Sakusa has to hold himself back if Atsumu is here. 

Atsumu turns to him, he's smiling just a tiny bit, and Kiyoomi wonders if that smile is starting to become a little secretive, a little unreadable. "Yeah, I'll see ya around Omi-Kun" 

He leaves like that and Kiyoomi doesn't persuade him to stay neither does he bid him goodbye.   
  


\------  
  


The third time they're in college and their first semester is coming to an end. The cold has been creeping into their daily lives and it's the season of jackets now. Oddly enough, Atsumu and Kiyoomi were now in the same university albeit different majors. Their classes don't clash and they no longer study the same subjects so helping each other out is not an excuse to meet up anymore.

Despite it, they coincidentally happen to live in the same dorms although Kiyoomi shares a room with Motoya while Atsumu is sharing his with Suna Rintaro. He's come to learn that Suna is a close friend of Atsumu and Osamu from high school and one of the few people who tolerate Atsumu. To Kiyoomi it's odd to hear about a friend of Atsumu, mainly because the blond has never spoken of them before. 

Kiyoomi had assumed that Atsumu would be with his brother but Osamu had apparently decided to just take over the family's onigiri restaurant. He doesn't know how Atsumu took to the information but he looks fine to Kiyoomi so he's never bothered to ask. However, on days like this, he wonders if Atsumu is missing his brother. 

They're working on their separate assignment at the university library in a corner hidden away from the rest. It's quiet and peaceful, but the best part is that even if they talk the librarian won't hear them behind the shelves. It's nice because Atsumu tends to make a lot of self-deprecating jokes that have him snort at random moments. Sakusa can't differentiate between the ones that are real and the ones that are not. 

"I'm not even kidding Omi-Kun! This class is literally asking questions like if we are morally obligated to push someone off a bridge for the greater good. I don't even know if I'm a moral person so how would I know if that's right?" Atsumu exclaims dramatically, he leans back on his chair and looks at him exasperatedly. He's gotten new a haircut since university started and a new hair dye. Kiyoomi wonders if he had an impact on Atsumu's change. 

"I mean seriously though, Imagine answering yes to that question and basically agreeing to murder in front of 30 other students. And if you answer no yer choosing to be an ignorant asshole, tell me please- what is the correct answer? I'm hated enough as is." 

Sakusa let out a huff of laughter shaking his head from Atsumu's ridiculously dramatic way of telling his story. "I'm sure the point is that you put thought into the situation and not actually have a solid solution," He says. 

Atsumu just sighs, he's staring at his open laptop that's gone dark from being unused. They've been talking for a while now instead of working after all. "Yeah, tell that to my fellow students who think they can be the next Aristoteles," he says and Kiyoomi nods in agreement, some of those in his classes also tend to think they can find a solution for something that's been unsolvable for centuries. 

Kiyoomi is pretty down to earth that's why he doesn't really appreciate those who try to overachieve what is clearly not in their capacity. Atsumu tends to try things that can be a bit too much to ask for but for some reason, Kiyoomi never really doubts Atsumu's ability to achieve what he wishes. He's got that competition and burning passion whenever he sets his mind on something. 

Unlike Atsumu, Kiyoomi doesn't have passion rather he's similar to Atsumu in the way that he gains things mostly through an inability of leaving them unfinished. To Atsumu it's his driving force but to Kiyoomi it's a burden that leaves him satisfied only when it finally ends. He doesn't really mind it though, as long as he manages to get there someway. 

"How is it going with Ushijima?" Atsumu asks out of nowhere, Kiyoomi realizes they've been silent for a few minutes now. It happens usually, they talk for a while and then return to their work but Kiyoomi hasn't written a word these past minutes. His fingers twitch slightly from the sound of Atsumu's voice that feels so loud in the quiet corners of the library. 

He thinks about Ushijima who is a year his senior in college and ultimately his boyfriend of a few months now. The thought brings a smile to his lips, Wakatoshi has been nothing short of great in his opinion. They've been taking things slowly but Kiyoomi feels extremely happy whenever they're together. "It's been great actually, our personalities match so we haven't had any issues if that's what you're asking"

He looks at Atsumu who is rather obviously staring at the smile on Kiyoomi's lips, it makes him quickly return to his poker face. He doesn't want Atsumu to see him like this, like a lovesick fool. Atsumu returns his gaze back to Kiyoomi's eyes and this time around Kiyoomi isn't really sure what Atsumu is expressing through that look. 

"Yeah, I'm happy for you Omi-Kun but ya know I need to-" Before Atsumu even gets to start Kiyoomi cuts him off. He sees the way the blond shifts in his seat, he sees the way the other becomes fidgety, and the way he looks at Kiyoomi like he's holding something back. 

Kiyoomi has started to memories the signs that Atsumu displays whenever he is attempting to confess. Throughout the first semester, Kiyoomi has avoided several situations that would've undoubtedly ended with a confession. At first, he avoided going to quiet places with Atsumu alone but eventually he started believing that Atsumu would give up. He didn't. 

"Miya, you're a really good friend to me, I hope you know that. I would hate it if we could no longer be friends anymore. Thank you for being by my side" Kiyoomi knows exactly what he is doing by saying these things. He's aware of how this is a form of manipulation and a tactic to guilt others to do what he wants. He feels terrible and every word that comes out of his mouth feels like a blatant lie. 

However, Atsumu won't yield so he has to change his own approach no matter how ruthless he becomes in the process. It seems to work because Atsumu seems to visibly gulp down whatever it was that he wanted to say. "That was very random of ya Omi-Kun, have you done something to feel guilty about?" Atsumu laughs a little and tries to avoid the subject just like Sakusa had hoped he would. 

"I have nothing to be guilty about when it comes to you Miya, I'm being sincere with you for a change, you should learn from me," He says and Atsumu grins up at him with mock surrender. "Alright, if ya say so I'll believe it but I'll be checking my fridge to see if anything is missing. I know you like 'Samu's cooking too" 

Sakusa shakes his head at Atsumu and thinks perhaps the fake blond isn't missing his twin after all. He's joking around like usual and he's smiling so Kiyoomi believes that everything will be fine.   
  


\------  
  


They're in their second year and it's the fourth semester when Kiyoomi feels the ground underneath him suddenly disappear. His solid confidence towards his own path is crumbling as he and Ushijima have their first fight. 

It starts subtly so as to not provoke any suspicion in its accumulation of frustration and anger. Kiyoomi really likes Ushijima and he treasures his partner, however, a lack of communication is the cause of the whole mess. When Ushijima spends less and less time with him, he starts to grow anxious. When the other forgets to call he becomes suspicious of him. When they start raising their voices at each other due to lack of trust, Kiyoomi walks out of his own dorm. He leaves behind his boyfriend and doesn't come back until he is sure the other has left. 

From there he ignores the texts and the calls he receives from the other and stays holed up in his room for days. If he forgets to eat or if he raises his voice at Motoya for nothing then the other doesn't question him for it. At some point, he picks up on Atsumu who's called him for the twentieth time and Kiyoomi finally realizes that Atsumu has done nothing wrong. 

"Hello? Omi-Kun? Are ya there?" The moment he hears Atsumu's voice he feels a great sense of relief. It's almost like his presence promises that things haven't changed and that they'll remain the same. He mummers a 'hey' into the phone and hopes that his voice doesn't betray him. 

"Geez, Omi-Kun where have ya been? I've been so worried about ya, how are ya doing? Is everything alright?" He asks and the little high-pitched tone of Atsumu's voice is a little comical to Kiyoomi who has been seeing nothing but gray these days. 

"Me and Wakatoshi-Kun fought," He says at last and he's thankful that he manages to stay stable enough to form proper words because he feels like crying whenever he thinks about it. 

"Oh, is that it? I thought someone died or somethin', damn it Omi-Omi I'll be on my way and we can talk about it" Atsumu hangs up the call before Kiyoomi can even protest. 

When Atsumu arrives he's holding some of Kiyoomi's favorite desserts and some take out food from Onigiri Miya. Sakusa just opens his door wider and lets in Atsumu who starts to look for blankets in the dorm. He pulls out two fluffy blankets and puts on the tv to watch a movie while the two of them start to eat the food he brought. 

They don't say anything until the movie finishes and Kiyoomi is internally grateful to Motoya for insisting they bring a TV to the dorms. When they eat their food and the movie goes to credits Atsumu finally looks up at him. "So?" He asks and that's all it takes for Kiyoomi to start his long rant. 

Atsumu stays the whole night listening to him complain about Ushijima and not once offering any advice. The only thing he eventually says is "talk to him" and Kiyoomi does which salvages his relationship in turn. In fact, his relationship with Ushijima becomes even better and Kiyoomi takes to Atsumu for relationship advice or whenever he has an issue. 

It doesn't go unnoticed to him how unfair it is to Atsumu that he's doing this. He doesn't think that he's right but he _needs_ Atsumu and even though he might be cruel because he knows how Atsumu feels- it isn't his fault. They're friends and friends are there for each other. 

However, it takes a while before he starts to notice that Atsumu doesn't try to confess like he used to do before.   
  


\--------  
  


They're at the start of their third year when something different happens, something that Sakusa had not expected. Atsumu hasn't tried to confess for a while now and Kiyoomi is relieved that he doesn't need to be on guard as much. It's Atsumu's last year but Kiyoomi is studying for another two years before he finishes college. 

They haven't talked about the future much but Kiyoomi is working towards becoming a pharmacist while Atsumu considers a future with volleyball. At least Atsumu wants to do something related to sports and Kiyoomi fully supports that. 

On the other hand, today was one of those too hot days to go out and Kiyoomi's laying splayed on his desk while the fan gives off that minimum cold air. The heat was getting to his brain and since he was already tired from working out in the gym he could feel his eyes getting heavier. 

Atsumu had joined him today to go to the gym and the other was laying on his bed wearing a white shirt and a pair of shorts. Kiyoomi doesn't know if Atsumu's already fallen asleep or is just resting on his bed but he doesn't care as sleep slowly consumes him. 

Kiyoomi doesn't know how much time passes and whether or not he falls asleep at some point until he suddenly hears Atsumu speak. "Omi-Kun, I had something to say for the longest time," He says softly as if he was trying not to disturb him. 

Sakusa by some miracle manages not to jolt awake from Atsumu's voice, he's sure that Atsumu thinks he's sleeping. He doesn't respond in hopes that Atsumu will keep thinking that he's still asleep. 

"I had- I wanted to tell ya. . . no that's not right, I needed to tell ya. I was miserable and every time I tried to tell ya, ya just wouldn't listen. Every day that I couldn't tell ya it just got worse for me and I thought I couldn't go on at some point. But ya know Omi-Kun, lately I've been thinking that it's fine if I never tell ya" 

Kiyoomi remains quiet and tries to even out his breaths to make it sound like he is asleep. He hears some rustling and can suddenly feel Astumu's presence beside him sitting probably on his knees because Astumu's soft breathes reach his face. 

Atsumu stays quiet for a few seconds that feel like an eternity to Kiyoomi, eventually though he feels some fingers tangle with his own on the desk. Just a light touch too innocent to be anything repulsive. "So I've decided that I won't tell you, I won't. . . but you know I really wanted to, just once." The grip on his hand tightens just a bit before it disappears completely leaving the aftertaste of an unknown tingle.

Kiyoomi almost gives himself away when he hears the tiny sniffle and his heart pounds painfully. "I really, really, _really_ hope ya'll be happy Sakusa Kiyoomi," Atsumu says. "Today, tomorrow, and every day from now" There's a tiny little giggle from Atsumu's lips that Kiyoomi knows will haunt him for the rest of his life because he's never heard anything so heartbreaking, so resigned. 

"I'm really pathetic, aren't I? 'Samu is always right about me," Atsumu says, Kiyoomi hears him stand up from where he's sitting, and finally he leaves the room. 

He doesn't know how long he stays laying on the desk after Atsumu leaves but he convinces himself that there are no tear stains on his carpet just below his desk. There are no wet patches on his table, and he won't see Atsumu staring back at him responsible for them if he opens his eyes. 

How should he handle that innocence displayed in front of him? How can he go on knowing he is responsible for those tears? 

He can't and therefore it's not there.   
  


\-------------  
  


Kiyoomi breaks up with Ushijima at the end of his first semester in his third year. 

It was bound to happen and after three years of healthy, good, and memorable days it finally comes to an end. Similar to their relationship the breakup was clean, unproblematic, and mutual in their decision. They both had come to an agreement to end things between them. 

Unlike most people, they didn't have any specific issues and neither was sad about the breakup. They had fallen out of love and that was that. Still, Kiyoomi shed tears, not for Ushijima and not for their lost relationship. He cried for himself. 

He felt empty and at the same time couldn't understand himself because why would he throw away a perfect relationship? Truly, he and Ushijima were perfect together. There had been barely any fights, they kept things equal between each other and Ushijima had treated him in all the right ways. Neither was unfaithful and neither attempted petty things like jealousy to stir up toxic emotions. 

Sakusa had been happy, he had been really happy when he was with Ushijima. So he cried because he felt like a traitor to himself when he said goodbye to something so nice. 

_"I really, really, really hope ya'll be happy Sakusa Kiyoomi,"_

_'You're a coward'_

Those words kept echoing in his mind day and night after the breakup. Atsumu had stayed with him just as the time when he had Ushijima had their first fight. He had comforted him and listened to everything Kiyoomi could possibly say about the way he felt. Kiyoomi needed it, he needed someone to listen to him because he himself couldn't figure it out. 

Atsumu listened and helped him until he could finally come to terms with his emotions. He stayed patient and understanding of every nonsense that Kiyoomi uttered. He never judged and the days after Kiyoomi would wake up to a clean dorm because Atsumu took it upon himself for Sakusa to feel less stressed about everything. 

He would always come to visit in the evening with food and they'd watch a movie together. Atsumu never asked him how he was doing, he just silently did things that would make the situation easier on him. Like removing all the traces of his ex and pushing him out of the dorm to play volleyball with him to take his mind off things. 

Some nights Kiyoomi would rest his head on Atsumu's thigh while the blond threaded his fingers in his hair. They would be like that for hours until Atsumu couldn't feel his leg anymore and Kiyoomi had nothing more to say. They stayed silent most of the time because Kiyoomi doesn't like to talk much but it was never uncomfortable. 

Atsumu never looked him in the eye the whole time he lay there with his head on his lap. He just stared at the wall in some kind of deep trance while Kiyoomi took the opportunity to memorize every detail on Atsumu's face. 

It took some time but Kiyoomi started to realize that he couldn't read some of the expressions that Atsumu made. Kiyoomi isn't an idiot, so he thinks that perhaps Atsumu has started to give up on him. 

_"I really, really, really hope ya'll be happy Sakusa Kiyoomi"_   
  


\-------------------  
  


"I'm telling ya she's an excellent kisser, Omi-Kun," Atsumu says from behind his laptop. Kiyoomi rolls his eyes at Atsumu for the fifth time that day. Atsumu had introduced him to his girlfriend because unlike the rest of his flings this one had stayed past a month. However, the girl had turned out to be a shameless flirt that was abusing Atsumu's wallet. 

Kiyoomi takes out a book from the shelf and stares at the title _The idiot_ he snorts - _how befitting for Atsumu_. "She literally kissed me in front of you and then called me a _hottie_. By the way, remind me to bleach my lips when we get back" He says and shudders at the memory of the girl's disgusting red lipstick-stained lips on his own. This is why he likes boys, they don't tend to wear that disgusting shit as much. 

"We're in an open relationship" Atsumu shrugs "plus ya are a _hottie_ " he finishes with a smirk. Kiyoomi just gives him a deadpan look and returns to search for his book on the shelf. "I don't understand why you're in a relationship if you're just going to fuck around with other people. You don't even like her." Kiyoomi retributes, he takes out a book about different medicines and finally goes back to sit on his chair. 

Atsumu remains quiet and stares outside the window, today they're sitting in the part of the library that actually has windows. Usually, those seats were often taken by others so they always had to go to some secluded area with no windows and just layers of shelves. 

"Well, she's good comfort," He says and Kiyoomi scrunches his nose in disgust. "That's unneeded information." Atsumu just grins at him all childlike. 

"You and Suna Rinatro are pretty close, why don't you try dating him?" He asks as he remembers seeing Atsumu hanging out with the black-haired guy the day before. He had looked happy and somewhat more carefree than he was with him. It made something like jealousy bottle up in his stomach. 

He doesn't like Atsumu that way but he does treasure their friendship and it's weird not being first on Atsumu's list. He was used to seeing Atsumu follow him around most of the time and the two of them were always bantering playfully. Somehow Atsumu wasn't around much anymore and it took for Kiyoomi to invite him out first for them to meet up. It's always Atsumu who does the inviting and not him. 

"Gross, I've known the dude since he was like in diapers" Atsumu frowns in distaste as if simply the image of the two of them together smells foul to him. Kiyoomi wonders if he and Atsumu were childhood friends would Atsumu still have liked him. He isn't even sure if Atsumu likes him anymore but he doesn't really care because Atsumu isn't confessing anymore. 

That's what is right- he thinks. That's how it should be.   
  


\---------  
  


Kiyoomi, for the majority of his life, has stayed true to himself and his path. He's never once thought to wonder if he was doing the wrong thing or if he had come to regret certain decisions. Not until he stared at his regret right in the face full of hurt and betrayal. 

He never really had a life motto as there were too many ways he wanted to live his life however Komori used to say that he lives by the motto "To not regret". Komori said it's an admirable trait and that one day it'll come back to bite him. He couldn't understand what Komori had meant back then, he thinks he does now though.

To him, Atsumu is the type of person who has the ability to smile even when everything seems like it'll fall apart. He's the type to make his friends laugh when they're stressed and the one who makes a joke to ease the tension. He's the type of person who doesn't cry because life is too short and because he is happy. 

Kiyoomi believes this because he hasn't spent the better part of his life with Atsumu to not know a single thing about him. However, as he watches Atsumu's face contorted with disappointment and unshed tears he starts to believe that maybe he has done exactly that. That maybe he doesn't know a thing about Atsumu. Suna had told him after all, he knew nothing about Atsumu. 

"Just leave, I don't want ya here," He says and Kiyoomi feels something inside him drop. Atsumu had every right to say that to him, if Atsumu wished to curse at him or hit him then Kiyoomi would have no objections to it. In fact, he would prefer that as opposed to the hurt expression that Atsumu wears on his face. "I'm tired Kiyoomi," Atsumu says with a defeated sigh. "Ya win, but don't ya dare think I won't wait for ya" He smiles and closes the door. 

Sakusa walks down the streets and takes the train back home, he doesn't care if he has classes the next day. He doesn't care if it's midnight and his parents are sleeping when he gets home. He walks the stairs all the way up and lays soundlessly on his bed to stare at the ceiling. There's a star and a moon on the roof of his room that glows in the dark of his bedroom. Atsumu had hung it there when they were in their second year of high school. 

He'd laughed and said " _It represents us_ " to which Kiyoomi had called him an idiot but he secretly loved it so he never took it down. He keeps staring at the star, it's yellow so it shines a bit brighter than the blue moon beside it, usually at least. Today it doesn't and Kiyoomi wonders if it's gotten a bit old. Wonders if it's gotten tired of him too. 

"Kiyoomi? Sweetheart, are you okay?" His mother's voice is soft from the doorway and suddenly all the emotions that felt numb to him previously now feel too overwhelming. He wants to let go of the tears threatening to fall but that would be like an insult to Atsumu who's always stayed strong. 

Today Atsumu had stood there with nothing to say, defeated, beaten, and completely abandoned. Atsumu had cried for the first time in front of him and Kiyoomi couldn't stop thinking about how it was all his fault. 

So to prevent himself from crying he lets his elbow rest on his eyes and if his sleeve gets wet then only he knows. "I messed up, mom. I really, really messed up." He says and a second later he feels his mother's soft fingers thread lightly through his hair. Just like Atsumu had done for him. _I'm tired Kiyoomi._

He breathes through his nose. "I messed up something really good mom. Something I will probably never find again. Something too good for me." He says and his mother doesn't say anything back, she just continues her ministration. Her nails are longer than Atsumu's -he helplessly thinks. Gosh, he wants to _cry_. 

They stay silent like that for a few minutes and just as Kiyoomi is sure that he's about to fall asleep does his mother speak. "Kiyoomi, it was raining today, you know." She says like she's thinking about something funny. Something he doesn't know. 

"Your dad says the sun will be back up tomorrow" She chuckles a little, too softly. "I told him that he said that yesterday too but it still rained today" her fingers stop playing with his hair and he slightly moves his hand away from his face to get a glimpse of his mother. 

She's smiling at him like she knew he was going to look at him at that moment. Her hair is a little messy from waking up but her curls are still luscious and firm, just like his own. Her eyes are hazel though and she's got that beauty mark just underneath her eyes making her even more beautiful. His dad used to say that his mother and him only look alike but their personality differs completely from each other. 

"He told me that ' _even if that's the case today, the sun will rise again one day, it might take time but you just need to wait and see, it'll definitely come back up_ '" She continues her earlier ministration with his hair "I believe him, I think you should too, Kiyoomi" 

His mother makes to stand up but gives him a soft peck on his forehead before she leaves. "Sleep well, sweetheart. I'll see you again tomorrow."   
  


When Kiyoomi finally leaves to go back to college after a few days he remembers to give his mother an extra long hug and a light peck on her cheek. "Thank you," He says to her and goes to take his train back to whatever is waiting for him. 

Komori will probably nag at him for leaving him completely deserted and without any prior notice. He's got a lot of packing to do and Komori will probably freak out on him when he tells him the news. 

However, _the sun will rise again one day-_ and so he puts in his earphones and ignores everything else on his way back. 

The sun _will_ rise up again.   
  


\------  
  


It had gone wrong when Atsumu had called him and Kiyoomi, for all his wise choices, decided it was not of importance. He picked up only after the third call as it must've been important because otherwise, Atsumu wouldn't have called again. 

Kiyoomi is not stupid so he notices the little breaths that come from the other end of the call. Tiny breaths like someone's anxiety picking up or someone walking. Kiyoomi doesn't question it and instead waits for Atsumu to talk. 

"What is it, Miya?" He asks a little urgently, too focused on making it to the class that he's growing increasingly late to. Atsumu doesn't speak so it makes Sakusa's irritation grow. It was already a very difficult morning today, he didn't have time for hesitating calls without anything important to say. "Miya, I'm getting late to my class if you don't have anything to-"

"I'm not feeling too well, do ya have any paracetamol?" He asks and somehow Kiyoomi recognizes that Atsumu's breathing gets even heavier. He sighs, of course, the fake blond doesn't have basic medication at his place. 

He rubs his forehead in annoyance "Yeah. . . Yes, I do, they're in my drawer, please wear a mask if you're going to get them. You know what, just ask Komori to grab them for you. If that's all, I have to go, I have class now." He says but hangs up before Atsumu can answer.   
  


Later in class, he gets a text message from Komori who questions if he's checked up on Atsumu lately. When he asks why Komori writes that Atsumu didn't look too good when he showed up by their dorm. Kiyoomi promises that he'll visit him when he gets back and turns off his phone to pay attention to class. 

When he's finally done with his classes he goes to the convenience store to buy some groceries before finally going back to the dorms. He sets the groceries to their respective places and then lets himself fall on his bed to relax. He thinks about visiting Atsumu tomorrow instead. 

A second of just laying on his bed he remembers that he turned off his phone and takes it out of his pocket to check up on his notifications. When the screen lights up he notices a few missed calls from Komori and some text messages asking him why he won't pick up. He decides to call his cousin instantly and tries to ignore the feeling of dread building inside him. 

Komori picks up on the fourth call. "Hey, my phone was turned off, what's wro-" He doesn't get to finish his sentence as Komori's usually sweet voice replies with cold brutality. "Atsumu collapsed, I suggest you get yourself to the hospital." The call ends after that and Kiyoomi can feel his hands start to shake. 

His confused mind seems to suddenly freeze and he's left standing there after the call unable to do anything. Atsumu collapsed, why? What happened? He was fine. Atsumu had been fine. Just days ago Atsumu had been fine. 

Kiyoomi goes cold and suddenly he can't remember the last time they had met. Somehow their meeting is hazy in his mind and all he can think about is Atsumu who looked a little pale. The Atsumu who was breathing a little too heavily in their call. Kiyoomi feels himself go a little dizzy because nothing was making sense. 

' _I suggest you get yourself to the hospital_ ' Komori had told him and so he uses that to get a grip and make his way there. He decides not to think about it too much but he's unsuccessful as all the possible diseases Atsumu could've contracted flip through his mind. 

When he gets there he sees Komori first, he notices Osamu holding onto Atsumu's hand gently. Even Suna Rinatro is there looking mildly worked up. Komori pushes him outside before he can even greet them but he sees Suna's eyes narrow when they make eye contact and decides to follow Komori out.

"What the fuck were you doing?" it's the first thing Komori says when they're outside and out of earshot. Kiyoomi raises an eyebrow at him, extremely confused by his cousin's anger. 

"I was in class, I told you I turned off my phone-" He starts but Komori shuts him off. 

"I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about when Atsumu looked like he was dying. I'm talking about when Atsumu said that he had called you but you hung up on him because you were busy. I'm talking about where the fuck you were when Atsumu has always been there for you if you were feeling even slightly off. I'm _asking_ you Kiyoomi why the fuck couldn't you see Atsumu's condition worsening every day when he can sense the slightest change in you" 

Kiyoomi just stares at his cousin with his eyes wide and mouth open. Komori had never cursed at him and he has never been angry with him like this. His cousin was portraying pure disappointment and anger that Kiyoomi felt taken aback by it. 

"You, Kiyoomi, don't deserve to walk in that room." Komori points behind himself to the door that leads to the room that Atsumu and the other's were currently staying inside. "You're my cousin and I don't know what Atsumu sees in you. He doesn't deserve this, especially not over someone like you." Komori sighs letting his nerves calm down, he looks away from Kiyoomi and back to the door with something keen to pity. 

"Kiyoomi, just leave. Osamu looked like he was about to beat your ass earlier and despite how angry I am with you right now, I don't think that'll be good for either of you." 

"But I-" He starts. 

"Leave." This time it's Osamu who's talking. He's standing beside the doorframe but he's got an expression on that Kiyoomi knows he'll see in his nightmares. It's pure fury and hatred to the point that Kiyoomi is sure he'll get killed if he protests even a little. He turns on his heels and walks away.

He stays outside the hospital feeling completely helpless and frustration builds inside him as he doesn't know anything about Atsumu's condition. He kicks at a few branches in his own anger and continues to walk around. Back and forth until some nurses give him odd looks. He ignores it until Suna Rinatro walks outside. 

They make eye contact and Suna sighs in defeat when he sees Kiyoomi's hopeful look. He walks over with reluctance, his hands are in his pockets. He greets with a small nod to his head and Kiyoomi doesn't waste another second. 

"Just tell me if he's okay" It's all he manages and after Suna eyes him for a brief moment he finally concedes and nods again. Kiyoomi releases a breath of relief and lets the tension in his body go. 

They stay silent after that, Kiyoomi too busy with his own thoughts to bother with Suna's presence but the other keeps giving him unsettling looks. After a while, he finally asks "What?" A little more annoyed than he meant. 

Suna Rintaro turns his gaze away to stare at the sky instead, it had already become dark, he releases a puff of breath that becomes smoke in the cold. "You should be grateful Motoya pushed ya outside, Osamu would've killed ya otherwise." He says like he's talking about the weather, Kiyoomi doesn't say anything. 

"It's yer fault ya know," He says and Kiyoomi finally raises his head to look at Suna. When he looks up he sees the other staring back at him darkly. "Atsumu likes ya, I'm sure ya know. But have ya ever wondered how yer selfishness has affected him? Have ya ever actually looked at him instead of yerself?" Something about the way that Suna's voice goes even deeper seems to spark something like fear in Kiyoomi. 

"I do look at him" Kiyoomi replies but it comes out too quiet, too pretentious, too weak even to his own ears. 

Suna rolls his eyes and looks back at the sky, there are a lot of starts today Kiyoomi notices. "Sakusa Kiyoomi, an idiot," Suna says and Kiyoomi feels offended by the insult. He is not an idiot. 

"He collapsed from low blood sugar levels. Dehydration played a big role and he eats too little with all the training he does for volleyball. He also has a fever and a cold. The doctor said he'll be fine with some rest and nutrition in his system." 

Kiyoomi suddenly feels his frustration build and it all seems unfair because why is any of this his fault? Just because he didn't notice Atsumu being sick and because he didn't check up on him when he knew the other wasn't feeling well, he's the bad guy?

He doesn't notice Suna looking at him amidst his feelings of unfairness. They are all at fault for this, it wasn't like any of them had noticed either, if they did, then Atsumu wouldn't have gotten this bad. 

"Ya still don't get it?" Suna asks but his voice is a little colder, he looks at him like he is completely stupid. Sakusa is ready to protest about this unfair treatment but something in Suna's eyes tells him to remain silent. 

"Hah," Suna heaves an exasperated sigh "I should've known that Atsumu would fall for someone who is a bigger idiot than himself." He shakes his head in disbelief and then looks directly into Kiyoomi's eyes. "Listen, Atsumu is suffering from depression, I'm not supposed to tell ya this but I'm sick of ya walking around pretending to be his friend when yer constantly hurting him." 

Something in Sakusa seems to drop and his whole world is suddenly shifting because nothing is making sense anymore. He was supposed to be Atsumu's friend or as the other likes to say ' _we're best friends Omi-Kun_ ' to which Kiyoomi would smile in response to his childishness. However, Sakusa had to some extent come to accept that term to describe them. 

Without a doubt Astumu would be there for him, Atsumu knows everything about him and Atsumu doesn't leave him when everyone else does. Heck, Atsumu knows his habits that even he's not aware of. He's named all of Kiyoomi's cleaning rituals and follows them in the exact order that Kiyoomi likes. 

Atsumu will spend the whole day cleaning with him if he's having a particularly bad episode. He doesn't even flinch no matter how much Sakusa curses at him through his frustration. He'll stay there doing everything he can until he's convinced that Sakusa is feeling better. Just like the first time Kiyoomi had a panic attack in a crowd full of people. Just like the time, Kiyoomi's cat had died. Just like when he and Ushijima had broken up-

It's then that Kiyoomi truly sees the things he has spent the majority of his time ignoring for the past years. Atsumu, rude and childish was in fact the most considerate person Sakusa has ever gotten the chance to know. Sure Atsumu spouts insincere and frankly crude comments at times but hidden behind that exterior is a depth of selflessness that Kiyoomi can't even phantom. 

But Atsumu- Atsumu is hurt, Atsumu is depressed. 

"His depression isn't yer fault, so don't go blaming anything on yerself. He was constantly getting bullied during middle school and high school. Osamu says their parents tended to favor him and practically neglected Atsumu. At first, none of us were aware of the bullying, and when we found out we were nearly too late." Suna stops for a split second his bored eyes are all of a sudden looking at him in hesitation. "In our second year of high school, we found him with his head shoved into a sink with two guys tryn' to drown him. They had filled up the sink with a bunch of tissues to stop the water from going down and then. . . well like I said nearly killed him." 

"Osamu went on a complete rampage, almost killed one of them with his bare fist. But after that, Atsumu told us the truth about the bullying going on. He had been scared of involving Osamu so he didn't want to say anything but we convinced him and eventually reported those two guys. They just didn't like him for his arrogant and jerk-like personality so they 'wanted to teach him a lesson' but Atsumu had never even crossed paths with them before. He just became this victim of hatred at his school and people were convinced he had it coming. When we looked around we finally realized how scorned Atsumu was for absolutely no reason " Suna turns around to stare at him. 

Kiyoomi was absolutely speechless, he had known Atsumu throughout high school and he'd never heard about this. Atsumu was always smiling with him and looking like his usual happy self that Kiyoomi would've never guessed something like this was going on. Now he's starting to think that maybe Atsumu was never actually happy. 

"Anyway, he developed this habit of hurting himself by starving and overworking. Osamu was trying to convince him to go to therapy but he wouldn't budge and just said he was okay. Things just got worse when Osamu didn't join him to university, I managed to get him to take one therapy session with me. That's when he got diagnosed with depression, he started to go alone and I was sure he was getting better, ya know?" Suna says but the last part didn't feel like a question, more like he was trying to convince himself. 

"I was sure that he was getting better- I didn't know, I thought he. . .I thought- _Shit_ " Suna throws a hand in his hair showing a rare expression of frustration. Sakusa remains quiet but for some reason, he feels like he can see himself in Suna. The impression of complete hopelessness and stupidity for not knowing anything, but it's the guilt that is hurtful. 

Kiyoomi turned away from Suna as there's nothing but regret to watch and he didn't need someone else's when his was enough. If Suna's feeling all this guilt than Kiyoomi wonders just what is he supposed to be feeling. He hates the pure disgust bottling up inside him and he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to face Atsumu again. 

' _I really, really, really hope ya'll be happy Sakusa Kiyoomi_ ' 

His breath leaves him and the presence of Suna no longer has meaning to him as sobs take control of his body. His tears fall down uncontrollably and he's aware that he's not the one who is supposed to be crying. He lets himself sit down on the dirty, dirty ground but it doesn't matter to him. He just grabs him knees and buries his face in them, and distantly he thinks he's an idiot. Sakusa Kiyoomi is an idiot and a terrible person. 

_'I'm sick of you walking around pretending to be his friend when you're constantly hurting him_.'   
  


When Atsumu is finally able to go back to the dorms Sakusa makes up his mind to visit eventually. He only goes there after a few days so that Atsumu can settle into his routine and rest. However, when he gets there he stands in the doorway unable to knock and unable to leave. He just stares at the wooden door for some good few minutes that feel too short. 

When the door opens Atsumu is staring at him with an eyebrow raised, he's wearing a hoodie as the weather has gotten cold but only a pair of shorts on his legs. "Are ya gonna come in?" Atsumu asks and his voice sounds much better than it did the day he had called Kiyoomi.

He just shakes his head "No I won't come in, I just wanted to check up on you and. . ." He stops and looks up at Atsumu who is staring at him confused. Atsumu looks warm in that hoodie and his cheeks are sporting a pink color. 

"And?" Atsumu asks. 

He takes in a deep breath preparing himself for what he's going to say. "I'm leaving Miya, in another week, I'm going to finish my studies abroad," He says but the words flow out of him similar to the way Atsumu rambles nervously at times. 

Atsumu stays quiet and there's something in the atmosphere that makes him uncomfortable. He doesn't look Atsumu in the eyes. "Why?" Atsumu eventually asks and Kiyoomi breathes out. 

"Miya, I can't stay. I haven't been very good to you and-" Sakusa starts but is quickly cut off by the other. 

"Is this about what Suna told ya? Ya didn't do anything, it's not yer fault. It's mine, I just forgot to take care of myself but I've promised Osamu that I'll do better. Look I'm sorry if I didn't tell ya but I just didn't want to-" Atsumu's the one rambling now, he's holding onto Sakusa's sleeve like he does whenever he is scared that he did something wrong. 

His heart pounds painfully and he hates that Atsumu thinks this is somehow his fault. He hates it so much. "Stop," He says and cuts off Atsumu abruptly who stands there frozen in shock by Kiyoomi's loud voice. He pushes away the hand on his sleeve and finally looks up at Atsumu's eyes. 

They're looking back with surprise and something akin to hurt. Kiyoomi ignores the pounding in his chest and the disgust in his stomach as well as he does when he was ignoring Atsumu. "You didn't do anything wrong, Miya. You've never done anything wrong towards me, I'm the one at fault. I just can't stand here beside you and think that everything is fine" He says but the words feel like they're crushing something within him.

"Everything is fine Kiyoomi!" Atsumu near shouts, there are tears threatening to fall down his face. 

"Nothing is fine Atsumu!" He shouts back. "Nothing is fine when you've been doing everything for me and I've done the exact opposite of it. I don't want to hurt you anymore!" He says and when he finishes, the air in his lungs comes out too fast as if he's been exercising. 

Atsumu takes his hand and it forces him to look up at him. Somewhere along with all the shouting, he had turned his gaze away from Atsumu again. Atsumu's eyes are tender, soft, and full of hope. "Don't say that, that's not true. Ya mean too much to me." Kiyoomi has never seen Atsumu so vulnerable, he's always kept himself composed with his classic grins. This is new to him. 

"That's the problem Miya. You've always put me first even when you were hurting yourself. You've always tried to make me happy even though I couldn't return your feelings." Kiyoomi says and now he feels like crying but he doesn't because he doesn't deserve to. Atsumu's eyes are wide and Kiyoomi assumes the news is probably hard to digest. 

"How did ya-" 

"I've known since high school," He says and then he raises a hand to put it on Atsumu's cheek who's gone completely silent. "I've known ever since you came to my house and you tried to confess but I stopped you by insulting your hair. I stopped you because I couldn't return your feelings. . . because I didn't want to hurt you." It's a lie, he didn't want to lose Atsumu.

Kiyoomi just watches as, for the first time in the six years he's known Atsumu, tears trail down his cheeks. They come down on Kiyoomi's own hand that's on Atsumu's cheek and he wipes them away with his thumb. They seem to glitter underneath the timid light of the corridors and Kiyoomi thinks how ironic that even Atsumu's tears are beautiful.

"But it seems like I hurt you more by keeping you beside me." He sighs and puts down the hand on Atsumu's cheek, no longer looking at the blond. "I'm leaving Miya and you can't stop me, I need to go. I'll come back when I'm better, and when I'm finally able to look you in the eyes again." 

"Yer selfish Kiyoomi and a lying coward, but I think I just realized yer an idiot too" Atsumu's voice comes out tired. Kiyoomi knows that when he looks up he'll be greeted with the image of hurt and betrayal. He's 21 and devoted to living a life with no regrets but there's one thing Kiyoomi will forever come to regret. 

He'll see it every time he looks at Atsumu, every time he's nearby and every time that Kiyoomi is with someone he'll always regret this one thing. He'll hold someone and kiss them deeply but whenever he does he'll come to think of Atsumu's lips. He'll spend time with them and see them smile but he'll always wonder how it would be if it was Atsumu standing there. 

He's going to spend the rest of his life wishing he could've given a chance to Atsumu. He'll regret never knowing Atsumu. 

_Just leave, I don't want ya here._

_I'm tired Kiyoomi, ya win but don't ya dare think I won't be waiting for ya._

_I messed up mom_

_The sun will rise up again one day_

He leaves like that, with nobody to see him off, no farewells, and no goodbyes. But his mother had said that the sun will rise up again so he leaves with that as his sole goal. He'll be there when the sun is up in the sky again no matter how long it'll take.

_don't ya dare think I won't be waiting for ya_

\-------  
  
  
  
"Kiyoomi! Oh my god, I can't believe you're back" Komori jumps at him the first chance he gets the instant he walks out the gates. He smiles and returns the hug wholeheartedly, he had missed Komori a lot the past few years. 

They hug for a few seconds and finally, Komori pushes him back a bit to give him a look over with his eyes wide. "Wow," He says a little in amazement. "Look at you all neat and proper, I can feel the American vibes from you. It's kinda unsettling. " They both laugh at that but in truth, Kiyoomi had probably been affected by whatever was in the air in America. After all spending, the past 7 years in the states was definitely going to affect him in some way. 

Komori takes a moment to just stare at him again and finally goes in for another hug "I really did miss you, welcome back you fool." He says and Kiyoomi nods silently while tightening his grip on his cousin. "I'm home," He says eventually, taking in a deep breath of everything he had left behind. 

"I'm finally home" 

\-------

He spends the next few months just settling in his new home and staying the majority of his time close to his parents who were thrilled to have him back. They eventually agreed to find him a place of his own and he moves to Osaka which is a quick train ride to Tokyo. It's mainly Osaka because he receives a job offer there and what's better than a big city with a decent amount of greenery. 

On a positive note, his sister also lives in Osaka as well as Komori who had moved there just a few months prior. It's how Kiyoomi got the job offer because the boss had known Komori who suggested Kiyoomi (bless his favorite cousin). Thereafter he just tries to settle back into japan again and tries his best to succeed in his job. 

It's difficult in the first few months feeling a little overwhelmed with all the things he needed to get used to. But with constant support from Komori and lots of visits from the family he manages to get past through the hurdle. It was, in retrospect, nothing compared to the time when he had first moved to the states. 

However, he appreciates all the support he gets and is thankful to finally return to where he belongs. He gets a few comments about his mysophobia questioning him if he's okay with causally touching others now. While he isn't completely done with it he has taken a lot of steps forwards and it no longer plagues him as it did before. 

Komori thinks that he's become a better person and takes the opportunity to tell him when they're out eating dinner one night. "You've really changed Kiyoomi. I was so surprised when you first got back. Literally couldn't believe you were the same person who left Japan 7 years ago without even a goodbye." Komori says taking a sip from his bottle of sake. 

Kiyoomi huffs out a laugh and a smile tugs at his lips. "Yeah, things weren't so great back then and I needed to just get away and try to find myself if you'd like." He says and gathers some of the rice in his Chazuke to eat. It's quite delicious and Kiyoomi is impressed with the place Komori took them out to eat at. 

"This is really good by the way," He says after taking a mouthful. Komori lets out an awkward laugh at that and turns his gaze away. 

"Yeah about that-" He doesn't get to finish as someone comes brawling inside shouting profanities. 

"Hey, ya Takeru! I told ya to stop trying to sneak in bites while working. Ya'll get some after work so stop taking from the ingredients." An oddly familiar voice comes from the direction of the kitchen and he sees someone who looks just like Atsumu walk out to scold the boy working behind the counter. "Yer a nice boy so I don't want to fire ya but if I see ya eating on shift again ya'll leave me no choice." He says and the boy lets out a quick 'yes, sir' then runs back to take orders. 

A man behind the counter laughs and starts a conversation with Miya Osamu who just sighs like he doesn't know what to do. 

"Tell me about it, sir, the new generations are all full of-" When Osamu raises his head he's greeted with Sakusa Kiyoomi staring at him with his mouth open from across the table and counter. 

Osamu just trails off for a few seconds and Kiyoomi can see the exact moment that Osamu finally recognizes him. He turns his head away and stares at the menu on his table with bold letters stating 'Onigiri Miya'. Kiyoomi rolls his eyes and thinks that perhaps he hasn't changed much at all. He's still an idiot. 

He glares at his cousin across the table who just shrugs "I tried to tell you" He says and Kiyoomi lets out a long sigh. He turns back to Osamu who is now walking towards them with slow steps. He tries to ignore the building dread in his stomach, he was not prepared for this conversation yet. 

"Well, I'll be damned, Sakusa Kiyoomi," Osamu says when he's finally gotten to their table. He's got an eyebrow raised but all Kiyoomi can think about is how _fine_ Osamu has aged. His body is even more toned and he's let his natural hair grow out instead of the colored gray hair he used to have. He doesn't want to think about how a certain blond would look compared to his brother. 

He waves his hand sarcastically with an equally tight smile. "Nice to see you again too, Miya Osamu" 

Osamu tilts his head a little before finally taking a chair and sitting beside them. It's Kiyoomi's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Is it okay for you to. . .?" He doesn't finish and Osamu gets the implications. He shrugs. "It's my restaurant, I can do whatever I want." 

For a second they just stare at each other until finally, Osamu lets out a grin. "It's good to see you again, Kiyoomi" Osamu pats him on the back goodnaturedly and Kiyoomi smiles back. "Likewise," he says. 

Komori smiles at the interaction and he's obviously proud of himself for bringing them here, Sakusa tries not to roll his eyes. They end up talking for a while just catching up on things while Osamu repeatedly goes back and forth to help out some of his employees. Thankfully it was Tuesday so there weren't many customers today. 

"I really thought ya were gone for good, " Osamu says after a while, at this point Kiyoomi's gotten a little tipsy from the Sake. " 'Tsumu's gonna be shocked to hear that yer back," He says and he takes a sip from his own bottle. 

Sakusa looks down at the empty plates on the table and he frowns just a little. "Don't tell him" He says. "yet" He adds as an afterthought, both Osamu and Komori look at him questioningly. "Don't tell him yet." 

"Why not?" Komori asks.

He shakes the glass in his hand a little to see the liquid inside swirl around. "I'm just not ready. I want to think things through before I meet him" Kiyoomi really wants to meet Atsumu, he doesn't want to wait and think things through. He just wants to go straight up to his doorsteps and kiss him. 

These past 7 years in the US had him go through a lot of self-reflection and no matter what relationships he was in he could never stop thinking about Atsumu. He knows that this is the haunting of his deep-seated regret for his past actions but before that, he's come to learn a lot more about himself. Along the way, he came to realize his feelings towards the fake blond and he was ready to face them even if he were to get rejected. 

He just needed a bit more time. 

Neither Osamu nor Komori brings it up after that, they spend the night drinking even after the shop closes. After that, it becomes a routine to visit the Miya Onigiri every so often to grab some food or a drink. 

Whatever bad blood was between them before Kiyoomi left to the states no longer existed. Osamu had welcomed him with open arms and even told him the different things that happened after he left. 

Some of the stories had him laughing until he felt the alcohol nearly coming up his nose and some of the stories made him wish he hadn't left. Whether there were good or bad moments Osamu never blamed him for leaving behind Atsumu. He never blamed him for hurting Atsumu from the beginning and somehow Kiyoomi didn't like that. 

He expected Osamu to hate him, he had thought the other would tell him to leave the instant he even came near but that had not happened. Osamu was friendly with him just like he had been when they first got to know one another through Atsumu. He recommended his dishes and made him try special recipes. He smiled kindly at him and called up Komori if Kiyoomi had a little too much to drink. 

One of those days Kiyoomi drinks a little too much and accidentally states something he shouldn't. Not to Osamu at least. However, the alcohol dominates his brain and he's no longer capable of controlling what comes out of his mouth. 

That's why when Osamu says "Why did ya leave?" All Kiyoomi can come up with in that moment is a slurring sound of "Because I love him" He recognizes the longing in his voice and in the back of his drunken mind he thinks he doesn't have the right to say this. 

However, he doesn't have control and everything just leaves his mouth. All the thoughts and emotions in the past 7 years that he kept to himself comes out to the wrong person in one moment of weakness. 

"I loved him so much Osamu. I loved him back in high school and I loved him throughout college. I continue to love him even now." He says but his voice is mixed with drunken slurs and bottled up emotions. "I loved him so much that I became a coward. I couldn't stop thinking about losing him, about what would happen if our relationship didn't work." 

He threads his fingers through his hair but his head continues to rest on the countertop. "We were in high school, damn it. We would've never lasted, there was college after, and we were never supposed to be together those years. I selfishly tried to stop him from confessing because confessing would mean that I would have to eventually lose him." 

He raises his head up and ignores the pounding in it, instead, he stares at the kitchen door that's wide open. There was nobody around, just the two of them. "If he confessed and I said I didn't want to date then he'd leave. If I accepted and it didn't work out he would still leave. I was terrified of him leaving because I've never had anything like him in my life. I've never wanted something so much and it was scary. It was so scary to think about." He lets out a breath but he doesn't cry because he'd promised himself that there would be no longer any of that. 

"Hurting him and keeping him at arms length became easier than getting hurt myself until at some point it wasn't. Wakatoshi-Kun knew, he left because of that" Those days when he cried while resting his head on Atsumu's lap it hadn't been because of whatever he told Atsumu. 

He had cried because the day Ushijima left he had turned around one last time to stare at Kiyoomi dead in the eyes as call him a coward. Before that day Ushijima had fought with him because Kiyoomi pretended that there wasn't anything he wanted. It took him years to finally admit that Ushijima was right. 

He sighs long and tiredly, "Ironic isn't it? The fear of losing him ended up being the reason why I lost him" He rests his head on his hand and just stares at Osamu with a smile. It's a little crooked and doesn't reach his eyes, he wonders if it's even a little similar to the ones Atsumu used to give him. 

Osamu doesn't look at him, instead, he's wiping down some of the dishes he had just cleaned. He's staring up at the ceiling in thoughts until he finally speaks with his voice a little too raw. "I'll be honest I wanted to kill ya," Osamu says and Kiyoomi huffs out a laugh, he wasn't surprised to hear that. 

Osamu puts down the plate he was working on and goes to the kitchen bringing a glass of water with him. He sets the glass down in front of Kiyoomi who thanks him. "I felt like it was unfair because ya were never there to see Atsumu break down every time he couldn't deal with his emotions. I had to be there dealing with my messed up brother who couldn't leave ya behind despite how hurt he was." Something warm flickers through Osamu's eyes and Sakusa thinks it's a little too personal. 

"He's always such an asshole so I couldn't understand why when it mattered he would choose to stay quiet and just receive all the unfair treatment. From our parents then from those bastards at school and then from ya. " Osamu smiles as he puts down the plate he was finishing wiping down. "At some point, I realized he was trying to protect me, trying not to involve me. It was the same in your case, he knew ya needed him so he chose to stay for ya." 

Sakusa smiles to himself remembering the day Suna told him everything and he started to associate the word _selfless_ to Atsumu. Miya Atsumu was a lot of things but those closest to him knew that the one word to describe Atsumu would always be _selfless_. 

Osamu starts to put back the dishes he had finished wiping. He turns to Kiyoomi with something in his eyes saying ' _I trust you_ '. Kiyoomi didn't know how to feel about it. "When he collapsed I was sure that was the day I was going to kill ya. Then all of a sudden ya just disappeared and there was no 'omi-kun' this or 'omi-kun' that anymore" Osamu attempts a bad impression of Atsumu's voice that has them both laughing. 

"And well, just like that there was no one to blame and no one to hate anymore. I watched my brother become better, looked over at him as he succeeded in life, and supported him whenever things got tough. My hatred for ya was gone when I saw my brother smile again, it was all that mattered" Osamu finishes putting away the dishes and walks back inside with a bottle of sake and a glass. He sits beside Kiyoomi and fills up his own glass. 

He takes a sip and doesn't offer any to Kiyoomi because he's drunk enough. "But, maybe because we're twins," Osamu says as he sets down his glass. "Or maybe he's too easy to read" He hesitates and stares at his own counter. "but I wanted ya to come back." He twirls his finger on the glass top but he doesn't spare Kiyoomi a glance. 

"I wanted ya to come back because ya weren't bad for him, ya weren't bad for each other. Ya needed each other and it took me too long to realize that." Osamu fills his glass again and sips it down in one go. "Sure, ya hurt him by forcing him to stay quiet and ya dated that Ushijima dude, oh! and ya treated him like shit for a short period" 

Kiyoomi winces, he thinks he might just steal the title of an asshole from Atsumu. "But," Osamu says a little sternly. "But he was happy when he was with ya and ya were too. Everyone could see it on yer faces, there was a bond there that no one could come between. It made people jealous, heck it even made me jealous." Osamu raises his hands in exasperation. He takes another shot. 

"That's why I started to miss ya too. I wanted to see that again, the somewhat magical bond ya had. I wanted to see 'Tsumu happy like that again." Osamu is the one sighing now and the tips of his ears are a little red. "Don't tell him I said that if ya meet him. I won't hear the end of it." Kiyoomi hides a little laugh behind his hand, he always knew that Osamu and Atsumu were close but it was nice when they were honest about it. 

"Promise it won't leave this shop." he says and Osamu grins up at him, he looks too much like how Atsumu does whenever he grinned. Kiyoomi decides to look away. Osamu fills up his glass again and takes another shot. 

"My point is Kiyoomi, ya haven't lost him. Ya need to try before ya give up. Yer a changed man remember?" He says and Sakusa just nods along drinking the last bit of water in his own glass. 

"Yeah, I guess you're right." 

\---------

The next time he visits Miya Onigiri he's greeted by a lot of shouting and some laughing in the background. He steps inside and the image of Miya Atsumu getting into a fight with Miya Osamu hits him with full impact. There's a lot of emotions hidden in the impact but the most prominent one is him staring at Atsumu in amazement who just seems to glow. _He's beautiful_. That's the only thing repeating in his mind and the only thing he can make sense of. 

His hair has changed again, a little shorter than before and it's not styled like it used to be in college. It looks exactly as it does when they were in high school except for the hair dye. Nostalgia hits him and he thinks that Atsumu hasn't aged a day since their first meeting in high school. 

His legs are a little shaky and the feeling of home is even more powerful when he sees Atsumu than it was when he saw his own parents. 

Miya Atsumu is so beautiful and he has missed him _so_ much. 

Osamu seems to notice his presence so he looks towards him and smirks a little slyly. Atsumu looks at his brother in confusion and turns to the direction of his brother's gaze. Finally, after 3 painful seconds of waiting Miya Atsumu's eyes are on him and they widen comically. 

Kiyoomi smiles a little and makes a vague hi gesture with his hand. He just awkwardly stands there and watches as Atsumu's eyes widen slowly only to start tearing up after a second. He stares as Atsumu's open mouth closes and his lips start to wobble. Kiyoomi walks over to him when Atsumu starts running up to him. 

He catches the other in his arms and hauls him up by the tighs. It felt so good to see Atsumu again, it felt so good to have Atsumu in his arms again. He laughs when he feels Atsumu's sobs and his whole body shaking. He can feel the tears stain his shirt and he wants to cry himself when Atsumu desperately calls out his name against him. ' _omi-omi omi-omi, omi-Kun is back, my omi-kun is back_ ' He says repeatedly. 

He had missed Atsumu's voice and he'd missed that stupid nickname so much. He missed the smell of Atsumu that hadn't changed despite the years and he missed his damaged hair. He missed him so much that even as he holds him close he still can't get enough of him. 

"Ya know yer such a jerk Omi-Kun, I can't believe ya actually left like that, and ya didn't even think to call or texts. Do ya know how sad I was when I found out ya had already left?" Atsumu says but Kiyoomi can't take him seriously as Atsumu sniffs and tries to wipe away his tears. Kiyoomi tightens his hold on his waist still holding him up. 

Atsumu's was securely wrapped around him like a koala sniffling unstoppably. He smiles at the blond when he finally lifts his face from Kiyoomi's shoulder. "I'm sorry Atsumu, for leaving you, and for everything else I put you through." He says sincerely looking into Atsumu eyes hoping he would get the message across. 

The fake blond just stares at him as more tears find their way down his cheeks, he shakes his head and dives back in to hug Kiyoomi. He rests his head on Kiyoomi's shoulder and just sniffs loudly. "I don't care anymore, yer not leaving again. I won't let ya." He tightens his hold on Kiyoomi and then he lets go to stare him in the eyes once more. 

"And yer going to let me confess or I'll really get angry this time," He says while furiously wiping away his tears with his sleeve. 

Kiyoomi pushes him up a bit from where he's slipping in his hold, he smiles a little tightly to show his discomfort with the position. "Okay, but you might want to hurry up because you're getting real heavy," He says, he can hear Osamu and a few others laugh calling him fat. 

Atsumu turns to glare at them and then turns back to dramatically clear his throat. "Omi-kun I-" He doesn't get to finish as Sakusa loses his footing and they're both tumbling down the floor. When he opens his eyes he's staring at Atsumu's own soft brown ones that are looking down at him with so much affection and love that his throat clogs up. 

"Geez, to the very end ya'll always interrupt me," Atsumu says his voice a soft whisper filled with affection. He's threading his fingers through Kiyoomi's black curls to soothe the bump he's likely getting from that fall. But Kiyoomi doesn't feel the pain, he's whole focus is solely on Atsumu and everything that Atsumu is. 

"I love you" He says. The words coming out of his mouth before he can think about them. 

He confesses to Atsumu while they're laying on the floor of Onigiri Miya and Kiyoomi is sure that he's staring at the love of his life. Atsumu's eyes widen before he goes completely red in the face and Sakusa Kiyoomi is an _Idiot_ because he could've had all this so much sooner. 

Atsumu hides his face in his hands probably because Kiyoomi was staring at him so intensely that anyone would feel shy from that look. However, he had just confessed and if he was right Atsumu would accept it. That's why he needed to see Atsumu's face for any indication he might give away. 

_Don't ya dare think I won't be waiting for ya._

He pulls Atsumu's hands away and forces him to look, "I love you Atsumu, will you let me kiss you?" He asks and again all he can do is just watch as Atsumu's tears start to trail down his cheeks once more but they're not the sad tears Kiyoomi saw seven years ago. Atsumu's pouting at him and all he can do is nod as an answer, forcing himself not to sob. 

Kiyoomi laughs at him a little, then he grabs the back of Atsumu's neck to bring him down and kiss him on the lips. Atsumu's lips are shaking when they touch and Kiyoomi can't stop himself from laughing as the people around them start to cheer them on. He'd ignored all the customers in onigiri Miya in favor of focusing on Atsumu. 

Now, however, he's forced to acknowledge all the embarrassing things they just did in front of all these people, including Osamu. Atsumu, on the other hand, continues to ignore them and goes in for another kiss to which Kiyoomi doesn't stop him. 

They lay there kissing and at some point, Kiyoomi hears Osamu screeching telling someone to get them out of here. He hears some elderly folks tell Osamu to be quiet and that 'it's young love, let them be'. They don't stop making out and Kiyoomi is sure by now that they've successfully traumatized Osamu.

"Oh, what's going on here?" He hears the familiar voice of Komori and reluctantly parts with Atsumu to look up at the direction of the voice. 

"Can't you see? We're making out, leave us alone" He says irritatingly and some customer from the back shouts 'get some'. 

"The hell ya won't get the fuck up from my floor before I bring out the broomstick," Osamu says threateningly. 

He hears the sound of the door opening again and looks up ones more. "Oh god, not this shit again. Osamu I'm not bailing yer brother out again for assaulting another person" Suna Rintaro says. 

"Hey, that happened once!" Atsumu says quickly then looks back down at Kiyoomi with worry. "It happened once I swear Omi-Kun" 

He laughs, that was such a typically Atsumu thing to do. He brings their lips together again and kisses him a little more passionately. 

"I'm really, really, really happy Atsumu," He says and looks him in the eye waiting for Atsumu to understand the implication behind those words. 

The blond stares at him confused until it hits him and he becomes red in the face once more. He mutters quietly just for Sakusa to hear "You heard? Oh my god that's so embarrassing" he pauses then looks up at Kiyoomi with his still red face. "But that's good, I'm glad ya are. Me too, I'm really, really, really happy too." Atsumu smiles and- 

-And oh god Sakusa Kiyoomi has always been the idiot. 

_The sun will rise again one day_ his mother had said, today it did he thinks. 

**Author's Note:**

> I really wanted to write this for a while now but im not really happy with it because of all the mistakes in it that I don't have the energy to fix. I'm also a bit unhappy with the development of the story. But anyway thank you for reading it and I really hope you leave some comments to let me know what you think.
> 
> I'm a bit of a fan of atsusuna and want to see more fics with their interactions. I don't really think osasuna is a pair that makes sense since they barely have any interactions. Oh but I don't really like atsukita either, kita is way too much of a brother to the twins rather than a lover. Oh but let me know what you feel in the comments about it


End file.
